A letter to my daughter.

My Dear Andrea,

Five years ago today your dad and I were preparing to meet you and Nick. I was 32 weeks pregnant and went to the hospital to have a routine test just to make sure you two were alright. Well, you weren't alright. The nurses searched and searched for your heartbeat while I was lying in a bed. They didn't tell me that they couldn't find you. I was sent down for an ultra sound so they could look at you to see what was going on. They looked at you and Nick for a few minutes and wheeled me back upstairs to a room. By this time I knew something was wrong but no one told me anything.

I decided to call your dad who was at work and tell him to come get me, but I didn't know what else to tell him. While I was one the phone with him a nurse came in and told us that you weren't alive any more.

I felt guilty because I was over-whelmed at the thought of taking care of two babies at the same time. I felt like a failure because I am mom and I'm supposed to take care of you and protect you and you died inside of me. I felt like I had let your dad down. I was angry at myself for letting this happen. I was angry at the nurses and doctor for not telling me they thought something was wrong right away.

It's funny though, I don't remember ever being mad at God. It seems like I should have been. Dad and I really didn't go to church very much then. We would have told people we were Christians, we tried to live like we were good but we didn't go to church or pray or read our Bibles. I kind of felt God wrap His arms around me that day. I just remember asking God to take care of my little girl. I knew you would be far better off in Heaven than with me. That you would never know sickness or heartbreak. That you would know God in a much more intimate way than any one here on Earth would.

We grieved of course. All of the comfort of you being in Heaven didn't stop us from missing you. It didn't stop the ache of a missing person in our family. It didn't stop us from wondering what life would have been like if you would have been here.  I don't think the comfort of you being in Heaven is supposed to replace grief. I think God gave us the ability to grieve as part of a healing process. We are not supposed to act like loss has never happened and we are not supposed to stop living our lives as a result of loss.

I don't know why God chose to take you when He did. The old saying "everything happens for a reason" is hardly a comfort to someone who has lost a loved one. Having faith is believing in something you can't see. Every day I wake up I choose to believe that God knows what is best for me-even if it means the loss of someone I love. I choose to believe that God is in control no matter what. I choose to put my faith in God. I choose to believe that a Being who can be understood is not big enough to be worshiped. I don't want to worship a god who can be understood, that would put the "god" at the same level as me and defeat the purpose of worshiping him (or her)

My sweet daughter, every July 23rd is hard on me. I am pregnant with your brother right now and he is about the same age as you were when you died. I have to admit that it's a little scary. I praise God every time I feel Levi move inside of me and I get a little scared when he hasn't moved in a while. But if I chose to believe God was in control of your short life and death then I have no choice but to choose to believe God is in control of Levi- no matter what happens. I do willingly choose to believe that God is in control.

My dear, I miss you and I wonder what it would be like to brush your hair and paint your toenails and go to little girl tea parties with you and I will when I get to meet you in Heaven some day. Until then my sweet, I will trust God to take care of you, I will trust that you will hold the hands of other little ones whose lives seemed to short. And I will trust in God's infinite understanding.

I love you.
Mom

Vinegar Conditioner

So I woke up this morning with really greasy hair- like it looks like I haven't washed in a month greasy. The thing is, I washed it last night. I don't know if it's the new shampoo... that I've been using for a month now that I think about it. It could be pregnant hormones. It could be that I showered at my parents house last week, they have well water and I'm used to city water (minerals could be in my hair). Or it could be that I just need to strip my hair.

A lot of times when you wash and condition your hair, there is still some gunk (Gunk is an industry term) left in your hair. Over time that can build up and make your hair look dull, dead or greasy.

I found this recipe for white vinegar conditioner about a year ago while looking at a website about uses for vinegar.

Use your normal shampoo and then follow these instructions for the conditioner.


1/2 cup of white vinegar
1cup of water

Mix the two in a large cup and slowly pour over your hair at the scalp. Leave for about two or three minutes and rinse well. Just watch your eyes, it stings.

When you dry your hair, it will be shiny and full. If you have rinsed your hair well and it is completely dry, you shouldn't smell the vinegar at all.

Also, if you feel like your deodorant just isn't working anymore you can rinse your armpits with the conditioner as well (soap can build up there too). Just dip your wash cloth in it and wash the offending area before pouring the conditioner on your head.

Be careful and use your own judgement if you have sensitive skin and I would say to NOT do this if you have sores on your head. I don't know how this would effect artificial color so you will want to be careful if you color your hair.

Hard to believe this mess was washed 14 hours ago. I woke up looking like this.

This is after the rinse and dry. No product at all. 

.

Happy conditioning
"Arise and shine for Your light has come and the Glory of the Lord has risen upon you." Isaiah 60:1
Cathy

Bleach pen painted t-shirts.

I have recently discovered Pintrest.... bad idea. Now I have all these fun crafty ideass swirling around in my head and I want to try them all-NOW. Luckily for me my friend, Leila, is having a birthday party for her two youngest children this weekend and it just happens that one of the crafts I wanted to try would be perfect as birthday presents.  YAY!!

Little man and I went to the store today and bought three t-shirts (Nick wanted to make one too), some regular chalk and a bleach pen. That's all you need for this project. We brought the shirts home and rinsed and dried them (in case of buggies)-Yes we bought them at a thrift store but I'm a thrifty mamma and they were in perfect condition.

Nick contemplating what he wants to draw

First, I cut cardboard to put inside the shirts (we didn't want the bleach to bleed thru)  and then we took chalk to draw a template of the design we wanted on the shirt. 

This is Maries's shirt with chalk template

Nick's shirt. He wanted a picture of him and Sam.

Next we took the bleach pen and drew over the chalk. We let the shirts sit a while so the bleach will work. Nick and Marie's shirts only took about 10 minutes for the discoloration, Sam's took a bit longer- 30 minutes or so. The blog I read with these instructions said that newer shirts take longer to discolor-anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours.

Sam's is a tough guy. 

When the shirts look like they've discolored to my liking I took out the cardboard. You need to be really careful doing this. I didn't think about the shirt folding over on itself and getting bleach on parts you don't want bleach. I carefully rinsed them out in the sink, washed and dried them. Now Nick's is ready to wear and Sam and Marie's are ready to wrap for Sunday!

Nick in his new shirt. L-R, Iron Man, Sam, Nick.

This is a great project for shirts that may already have small bleach splatters on them. I wore a navy shirt while doing this project and have a small bleach spot on my shirt... I guess I'll have to make one for me now. ~grin~


These are so fun and easy!
Nick drew his chalk template all by himself and I helped him (hand-over-hand) with the bleach pen.
We worked together on Sam's.
And I did Marie's- Nick didn't want to do a "girlie" shirt.


I'll add pics of Sam and Marie with their shirts after the party.

Thank you so much to the mamma's over at Homemade Mama's http://www.homemademamas.net for such awesome ideas.


Ok, now no one ruin the surprise for Sam and Marie.....

Failure???

I know I haven't posted in a long time. With this post tho I am going to be completely honest and open. Maybe more open than I have ever been on the blog. Here goes....

I am afraid. I am so afraid of failing at something that most times I don't even try to do them. I can remember wanting to do things, especially in high school and backing out because I was just convinced that I wouldn't be able to do them. Sports, dancing, clubs,even playing certain games with friends... you name it. If I were afraid I would look foolish, I would back out.

What is just as bad is if I try something and it doesn't come easy, I think I have already failed at it so I back out of it. Maybe that's why I haven't written more on the blog. I can't easily come up with things to write about so I just don't write instead of researching things that you may be interested in reading about. Then I look at how many people have seen this blog and I get discouraged that only a few of you read it when I should be happy that I am accomplishing something I set out to do. I think to myself if success doesn't come easily then I'm a failure at said thing.

I mentioned this to Christian the other day and I agree with him when he answered that it's all a lie that Satan is whispering to me; keeping me from doing the things that God would like me to do. Christian blogs everyday about what he reads in his daily Bible reading-EVERYDAY. Because around Christmas he decided this was something he was going to do and he has done it. I am confident that he would keep doing it even if no one read it because he committed to it- THAT my friends is success. He set a goal and will not give up until he accomplishes that goal.

So, how do I get to that point? Figure out something to do, to work at. Something that may be hard for me, out of my comfort zone. I have a few ideas... some things that I tried in the past and then dropped, when the going got tough. I have one thing going currently that is harder than it feels like it should be and wondering how long I should stick with it.

How long should I stick with it is a fair question. I'm sure there are times when quitting is an option. When?
Well, ask yourself a few questions.
1.Is this endeavor interfering with my relationship with God? If yes, I think it's time to quit. I don't think God wants us doing anything (even Holy works) if it gets in the way of your time with Him.
2.Is this interfering with my relationship with my family? Same answer. When you married you made a covenant between God, your spouse and yourself. When you have kids you are committed to raise them in a Godly house and spending time with them teaching them.
3.Is this endeavor affecting your finances in a negative way? If this is simply a hobby and you have budgeted for the expense then keep going, but if you can't feed your family or otherwise pay your bills then it's time to give up. All things under the sun belong to God, even the money we work for and God does not want us to misuse His things.
4.Have you set a reasonable timeline for this endeavor and not seen the results you are expecting at the end of this time? This one is tricky and I think it's up to you. Some people just don't have the talent to do some things and if you are seeing NO improvement at all, maybe that's you. Maybe you didn't set a long enough time frame to accomplish the goal you wanted- for me, perfecting a recipe should only take a few tries but learning to play an instrument (other than my MP3 player) will take years. And I don't even attempt singing for an audience.

So what could I do if I weren't afraid of failing, of stepping out of my comfort zone? What could you do? What have you done?

Jehovah Nissi

Mike and Judy had been discipling Christian and me for only a few weeks when Christian came home from a meeting with Mike to tell me some news. The home next to Mike’s, in Sulphur Springs, was vacant, had been for some time, and Mike thought it would be the perfect place from which to minister to the neighbors. As soon as Christian told me this, we started dreaming of how we could help. Have dinners for the neighbors. Hold Bible studies and back yard Bible clubs for the kids. Maybe they would need “house parents” and we could move into it.  We would have extra rooms so maybe we could adopt a child or foster.  I wanted a huge dining room table with room for 10 or 12 people, like the Waltons. And I really wanted a prayer closet.

The day finally came when we were to go look at the house. Full of anticipation and imagination we met Mike and Judy at their house.  We met with the owner and did the walk-thru. We were… disappointed is a nice way to put it. There was no room for a 10 person dining table, there was no prayer closet and to be honest, our dreams were much larger than this house.  We told the owner what we wanted to do with the house and how much we could afford. We all went home to await his answer. Two weeks later, he called and told us there was no way he could rent us this home for the price we told him.  We were disappointed but at the same time, we wondered where God might be leading us. We had a feeling He was still leading us to live in Sulphur Springs.

Later that week, for some reason, Christian started looking at homes for sale in Sulphur Springs. Buying a house hadn’t even been on the radar for us. We found one that we really liked and the pictures showed that it would be the perfect place to minster from. We also noticed this little disclaimer along with the description of the house; This is a neighborhood stabilization program home, buyer may be eligible for a 100% forgivable loan up to $40,000. To qualify, buyer must not be current homeowner, must be below median income for area and live in home for 15 years.

Check, check and check. We should qualify.

We found a house that would work perfectly to minister to the neighbors. We LOVED it. Huge kitchen and wide open common areas that would seat tons of people. The listing agent showed us the home and answered our questions about NSP. He also gave us the number to call and start the process. We called as soon as we got home.

Let me stop here and tell you a little bit about the NSP. Sulphur Springs is what some may consider “ghetto”. It is true that some of the homes have been neglected or even abandoned. There is a lot of government subsidized housing in the area and that usually means a higher crime rate and people moving in and out of homes like they change their shoes. Both are true for Sulphur Springs. The NSP goes into these neighborhoods and buys homes that have been abandoned and/or foreclosed on, completely guts and remodels these homes and sells them to folks who qualify for the program. They help you out with a very large down payment and as long as you live in and own the house for 15 years, the loan is forgiven completely. The aim is to stop the constant moving of families in and out of the neighborhood and provide lower income families a way to buy a home of their own.

We met with the NSP representative about a week later, turned in all our paperwork and were told that we would hear back with the amount that we qualified for. In the mean-time, she gave us a list of all the NSP properties in Sulphur Springs. That afternoon, we began to drive around Sulphur Springs and look at each of these properties.

We came across some that would work, but not quite perfect. There was one that wasn’t finished and there was one that wouldn’t work at all.  And we saw one that made Christian’s jaw drop-literally. We pulled up in front of this absolutely gorgeous two-story home. Christian got out and went around back to snoop a little. He came back to the car and told me I had to go look in this window. He said “when I looked in the window my heart started beating fast.”

This home was perfect. It was open, had lots of room. According to the website it had 3 bedrooms and 1.5 baths and plenty of seating. I could have my “Walton’s” dining room table and the house was listed at $80,000. We went home and called the listing agent and we walked thru the house the very next day.

On the way to the house the next morning we prayed. “Father, you know why we want to buy a house. Please guide us with Your wisdom. Give us the strength to walk away, if this is not the home You want for us.”

The house was even more amazing than the website. The kitchen was huge, big enough to cook for dozens of people. Upstairs had not three but four bedrooms (we could have a prayer closet), two of the bedrooms had walk in closets. A master bedroom with an ensuite bathroom was definitely a surprise. 

We went home and prayed and thought and prayed some more and talked about it and prayed some more. We didn’t know if God wanted us to have it, but we were pretty certain He wasn’t saying no. We emailed the agent and entered into contract on the home. This was a huge leap of faith because we hadn’t heard from the city on how much we were getting and we hadn’t even been in contact with banks to apply for loans.

We signed the contract and then went home to start contacting banks. At that time Christian had three part-time jobs, all of which he had for less than two years. No bank would talk to us. They wanted us to either have a full-time job or have been at the part-time job(s) for at least two years. We did some investigating and found out that we needed to use a small community bank or credit union. There was one credit union on the list of banks that the city works with in this program. This happened to be the credit union we are members of and we knew that it was extremely difficult to get a loan with them. They were our only option. Christian called and they said they thought they could work with us. We filled out all the paperwork, sent in our proof of income and then waited. And we waited. And we waited some more.

We would drive by the house at different times of day to see the neighborhood at different times and we would pull into the driveway just to look at the house. One day I stopped in the driveway and it just felt like I was home. It felt natural, comfortable.

We waited for about three weeks. In the mean-time, we were told by the city that we qualified for the whole $40,000 and Christian was offered a full-time position with one of his jobs. The day came when we finally got word. And the word was no. We were denied our loan. The reason was that we had no debt. It seems that all of our hard work getting out of debt just came back to bite us.

I was disappointed and mad. I was disappointed because I really liked that house. I was starting to see myself living in it. I was mad because I couldn’t understand why our lack of debt was the reason we didn’t get the loan. We are responsible with our money. We pay our bills on time. The bank didn’t even contact our landlord to see if we paid rent on time.

A few hours went by and my anger was subsiding. The next morning Christian went to work and I set myself to figuring out how to make ourselves more comfortable in our tiny apartment, content to wait on God to give us a house.

Around noon Christian called me to say that the bank was going to reconsider our application. Wait a minute. Did he just say what I think he said? What I had to do was write a letter to the bank explaining that Christian had been offered a full-time position, I had to explain a few dings on my credit report and I didn’t think it would hurt to send a copy of our budget. I hit ‘send’ and started praying.  This was a Wednesday, they told us we would know by the end of Thursday. I personally think God wanted to see if we would pitch a fit if we were told no.

T

hat night was a long night, to say the least. Noon came, no word. Three o’clock, nothing. Christian went to work around four that night and I called him at five, silence. He called me around 6 and asked me, “Are you prepared to praise God and thank Him no matter what the answer is?” I took a deep breath and prayed “God I pray this answer is true.” And I told my husband Yes. I honestly didn’t know what to expect.

“We were approved for the loan.” Oh, thank You God. I think I might have actually fainted at the news.

A few days later we had come down from the high; our next step was the inspection which went well. We had to find homeowners insurance, move our closing date back a few weeks and a few other things had to be done. It came to the point that we had done everything that we could possibly do. We were waiting on the city to tell the bank exactly how much they were going to give. I have to say that this made me extremely nervous. The bank had approved us at $40,000 so we were just praying that either the city gave us all that we qualified for or the bank was willing to lend us as much as we needed to buy this house. I know this all may sound silly to the normal reader. Forty thousand dollars doesn’t sound like much in the terms of a mortgage, however it is quite a lot when the borrower only makes about $23,000 a year.

We had put money into the inspection and the appraisal and still had no idea whether we were going to get this house. We had no idea exactly how much the city was going to give us so we had no idea how much our mortgage payment was going to be and we had no idea how much money we would have to bring to the closing. We knew we would have to bring at least $800.  Our second closing date of November 3^rd was quickly approaching and still no answers. Everyone was waiting on the city to finish paperwork. So much waiting!!! So many unanswered questions!! So much trusting in God’s timing!! Do we start packing now or is the city going to let us down? We decided to take a leap of faith and pack a few boxes.

Our new closing date was November, eleventh. 11-11-11, pretty cool, huh? It would have been except that November 11^th is Veterans Day and both the bank and city would be closed. Everyone agreed that November 10^th would be the day.  We received our truth in lending from the bank and found out that the city would fund us the entire $40,000 and our closing costs would be $4,000 that we rolled into our mortgage. We would have to borrow $44,000 and our monthly payment, including taxes and insurance would only be $419. That is $150 less than our rent payment. Finally!! We have some answers. Closing was in three days, on November 10^th, at noon. They would call us that morning to tell us where to go for closing and who to make the cashier’s check to.

Christian had a meeting at church on the morning of closing so I did the final walk-thru on my own and then I met Christian at the church. He came out of the meeting at 11:00. He had not received the call yet. More waiting, more unknowns. We went to McDonalds to wait for a phone call. We finally got a call saying the city had to fix something or another with our loan. I honestly don’t remember what it was, I only remember hearing more waiting.

Around 1:30 that afternoon we got the call saying everything was ready, bring a cashier’s check for $800 to this address. We were finally closing on our house after 3 months of questions and heartbreak and sleepless nights. But that’s not the end. We still had a complication at the closing, so we were held up another 30 minutes. More waiting.

With all the papers signed and the check handed over after 3 months of not having answers, three months of trusting God, we were finally homeowners. Time to celebrate and by celebrate I mean stop by the house for five minutes to pray and thank God for it before Christian had to go to work. I went home to get started packing. Christian had the next day off and we wanted to get into that home as soon as possible.

We had decided that we really wanted to give the house a name to make sure we remembered that God had given us the house. We love how in the Old Testament God told His people to build an alter to remember God doing something amazing. We decided to do the same thing so we started researching Hebrew words or names for gift or given. 

Christian found a website on the names of God and found Jehovah Nissi, the Lord is my Banner. We liked this. Banner is the flag that goes out before the army, the reminder of what we are fighting for. We thought this was perfect. A reminder that we are in a spiritual war and God is who we are fighting for. We are His foot-soldiers and He gave us this house as a fort from which to fight. The fort does not belong to the soldiers, it belongs to the ruler of the nation the soldiers fight for (God). The fort can be taken over by the enemy (Satan), if the soldiers are not on watch. And the Commander of the Army can order soldiers to vacate the fort, if they aren’t following orders. It also conveys that God is our provider. The commanding nation provides everything needed in battle for her soldiers.

Home Made Fish Sticks

Ok, I know it's been forever since I've written. A couple of you have told me you missed my blogs. I don't write every day or even every week simply because I want this blog to really mean something, I don't want to write just to entertain. I want you to learn something when I write, whether it's a recipe, a cleaning tip or what God has spoken to me during quiet time. I hope you understand when I don't add anything for several weeks.

Now, with that being said here is something I leaned today.

I absolutely LOVE the cardboard that comes in bags or boxes labeled "Fish sticks". They are convenient and tasty (if you slather them in tartar sauce), however, not healthy at all. On the other hand, fish is very good for you, but I can only eat so much of the real stuff. I don't like it baked or broiled (ick), but I do like it deep fried in oil, hey I'm Southern. Deep fried in oil tho, is not much better for you than the cardboard, so I did some exploring and found the following recipe on Tasteofhome.com submitted by Jennifer Rowland in NY.

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1/2 cup dry bread crumbs
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon lemon-pepper seasoning (I didn't have any of this tonight)
• 3/4 pound cod fillets, cut into 1-inch strips (I used Tilapia)
• Butter-flavored cooking spray

Directions

• Place flour and egg in separate shallow bowls. In another shallow bowl, combine bread crumbs and seasonings. Dip fish in the flour, then egg, then roll in the crumb mixture.
• Place on a baking sheet coated with cooking spray. Spritz fish sticks with butter-flavored spray. Bake at 400° for 5-6 minutes on each side or until fish flakes easily with a fork.  Yield: 2 servings.        (Thank you Jennifer for sharing)

I made a simple tartar sauce from mayo and dill relish.

IT WAS AMAZING!!!! A recipe I am going to keep in my back pocket for a long time. I only took one bite before I decided to tell you about it. I couldn't stop eating, it was so good.

I am hoping to have a few pieces left over after Christian eats to experiment with freezing it. I pray that works so we can have  real fish sticks as a convenience food.

Here they are. Sorry I don't have any fresh lemon
or parsley to garnish, but hey this is a place to be
real. They are on a dessert plate so that gives you an
idea about how big they are.

Good luck everyone. I will update when I try some sticks that have been frozen. I would very much like to hear your stories and if you have any ideas to make it better.

"Then Jesus took the seven loaves and the fish, thanked God for them and broke them into pieces and distributed the food to the crowd." Matt 15:36                                                                            


Happy eating! 
Cathy


*****UPDATE***** I tried the frozen fish sticks tonight. They were pretty good, a little dry but that may have been because I cooked them a little long. Also, I didn't feel like mixing mayo and relish for tartar sauce so I used just a little Ken's Sweet Vidalia Onion dressing. It may not be for everyone but I liked it.

Crumbs

This is something I wrote several years ago.


Crumbs
All too often, Christians go to church out of duty-or guilt
All too often, Christians know when to sit or stand
All too often, Christians know which words to repeat and when to repeat them
All too often, they don’t know why thy do it- or even what it means
All too often, Christians aren’t even Christians at all.

All too often, Christians are fed crumbs- 
just enough to satisfy them until the Next “church day”
All too often, Christians don’t know they are starving.
All too often, Christians don’t know there is a feast available
And if they do they don’t know where to find it.

Oh God! I’m tired of starving, tired of crumbs, tired of just getting by. 
God, give me depth, give me Your feast, fill me up today,
But make me hungry tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, 
never quench my hunger for You.
I’m tired of religion-give me a relationship.
I’m tired of empty-give me full.
I’m tired of shallow-give me deep.
I’m tired of meaningless words and babble-make my words joyful unto You.
I’m tired of tired- give me strength.
Father, I want Your feast-I’m tired of crumbs.